I finally found a bike and purchased it this weekend. I spent forever at the bike shop talking to the sales guy and told him everything I don't want in a bike. In the end, my bike has everything I said I didn't want. But that's okay, because I love it!
I tried to talk him into putting the "beach cruiser" seat on my bike but it was a no-go. He told me to suck it up and buy padded shorts instead.
The bike will be stored inside my house and I have the lock ready to go if needed.
The best news is...It came assembled so Mike didn't have to put it together!
Here is the new beauty...